A Whole Lot of Q, Not Nearly Enough A

So I’m in a very pensive mood right now, kind of in an emotional funk too. A lot of questions plague my mind at the moment, questions that have been going back and forth through my thoughts now and again for quite some time, questions which have all decided to preoccupy me, right now.

Why do people do the things they do? Why do people seem to care for a season and then completely drop out of your life? Is there an unseen “rule” of sorts that dictates how long you should attempt restoration and then once that time passes you are freed from your duty and can move on to bigger and better things? What about love? And I mean love from one person to another as a friend you care about. Can that be feigned? Can it be called up from ones soul and bestowed upon one who needs it only to be taken back, implying that the love shown was possibly never really genuine? Is it a burden to love the unlovable? Why do people give acceptance in contradictory ways? How can someone shift in how they care about you from one side of the coin to the other? Are humans really that insensitive that they can stop caring about you after they have invested so much in you? What of the feeling of being replaced, or better yet, erased? How can one go back to a place in time if everything else there has changed and moved on while you are still at the same place you were before, or maybe even in a lesser place?

This past week I was considering visiting a place in my past, somewhere that used to fill every sphere of my life. I was really unsure of myself, trying to work up the guts to follow through with such a bold idea. And, as life always does, it provided an easy out. Something unavoidable came up and I was unable to step out of my comfort zone. And here’s the thing: when will an opportunity like this come up again? Not likely for a while, as it seems I am the only one still pursuing this. Which means it’s up to me to build up the courage again to do this. It’s took months for me to build up the courage to even think the thought, so who knows how long until the next time.

Then today, I realized once again that there actually is an emptiness in my life. I realized that I lost something that I cared about deeply. A place in my life that used to be a place of safety and transparency, family and love, growth and self-discovery. It’s gone, and all that’s left is a gaping hole, and I cannot fill it. I admit I haven’t really tried to fill it, per se. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s so close to being within my grasp. But you know what, I’m scared.

I’m scared because of all of my unanswered questions.

I’m scared that maybe this place isn’t as safe as it claims to be.

I’m scared that things have changed too much and I haven’t changed enough, or at least maybe I have changed in the wrong ways.

I’m scared that, while I may be interested in making this a part of my life again, it is only me who is interested, no one else. Looking at the way things have gone thus far suggests that this conjecture is true.

Don’t you hate it when life goes on without you? It does that. It takes you for what you’re worth and then goes on, with or without you. Far too many times in my life I have experienced life go on, often the “without you” part of it. Few people are lucky enough to have the privilege of having life go on and take them with it. And I am beginning to resent those people. I resent resentment.

Are there any answers out there? Because the only answer I have come up with is the fact that human beings suck. I’d rather be friends with a cat.

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