Goodbye

The past month has been an emotional one. There was shock, anger, anxiety, stress, hatred, reflection. Now there is just a constant feeling of sadness that lingers over every day. It’s draining. It dulls the rest of my senses. I don’t know how to deal with it. I wish I could just turn it off and make it disappear. I’ve always done it that way. Running and hiding from things so you don’t have to deal with them. Because, eventually, everything takes care of itself, right? This chapter of life will wrap itself up for me and I can just sit back and watch, right?

But, I’m starting to wonder if this time the only solution is to face it head-on. Fight through. Ask the difficult questions, find the even more difficult answers. Learn things about life, deal with them, learn about yourself. After all, isn’t this what life’s all about–experiencing things and learning from them? Taking the bad and reworking it until there’s only good left? Actually putting an effort?

Through all this pain I have learned a lot. I have learned a lot about certain people in my life, that they are more than I ever conceived they could be. I have learned the true value of friendship, family, and love. I have learned about sacrifice, time, and influence. And I have had to adjust some of my own personal views on these things based on what I have seen. I have learned that some of the clichés in life really are true, that “life’s too short” and “you don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”. I have been broken down, but I’m trying to allow myself to be rebuilt. And that rebuilding will be reinforced with the love of my family, the realisation of how much people mean to me, and the choice to live my life differently so that I can be everything he didn’t get the chance to be and so I can maybe help prevent something similar from happening in the future.

We are forever changed. And it doesn’t have to be a bad thing. For now, I don’t know when it’ll get easier. But it has to. Eventually. Don’t run from this. Embrace it. Learn. Grow. Remain together; because at the end of the day the two constants that always remain are family and love.

Hugs and strength. I miss him so much.

Jez

This post is dedicated to a beautiful life. My cousin, Jez.
February 25, 1990 ~ June 13, 2013

————————

We run, faces to the wind,
It’ll get easier when you breathe it in.
Fall, gently give in,
Swallowin’ the air and rain on skin.

Hurts will come undone,
All that we’ll become –
Rise and fall behind,
Weightless in rewind.

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