A Whole Lot of Q, Not Nearly Enough A

So I’m in a very pensive mood right now, kind of in an emotional funk too. A lot of questions plague my mind at the moment, questions that have been going back and forth through my thoughts now and again for quite some time, questions which have all decided to preoccupy me, right now.

Why do people do the things they do? Why do people seem to care for a season and then completely drop out of your life? Is there an unseen “rule” of sorts that dictates how long you should attempt restoration and then once that time passes you are freed from your duty and can move on to bigger and better things? What about love? And I mean love from one person to another as a friend you care about. Can that be feigned? Can it be called up from ones soul and bestowed upon one who needs it only to be taken back, implying that the love shown was possibly never really genuine? Is it a burden to love the unlovable? Why do people give acceptance in contradictory ways? How can someone shift in how they care about you from one side of the coin to the other? Are humans really that insensitive that they can stop caring about you after they have invested so much in you? What of the feeling of being replaced, or better yet, erased? How can one go back to a place in time if everything else there has changed and moved on while you are still at the same place you were before, or maybe even in a lesser place?

This past week I was considering visiting a place in my past, somewhere that used to fill every sphere of my life. I was really unsure of myself, trying to work up the guts to follow through with such a bold idea. And, as life always does, it provided an easy out. Something unavoidable came up and I was unable to step out of my comfort zone. And here’s the thing: when will an opportunity like this come up again? Not likely for a while, as it seems I am the only one still pursuing this. Which means it’s up to me to build up the courage again to do this. It’s took months for me to build up the courage to even think the thought, so who knows how long until the next time.

Then today, I realized once again that there actually is an emptiness in my life. I realized that I lost something that I cared about deeply. A place in my life that used to be a place of safety and transparency, family and love, growth and self-discovery. It’s gone, and all that’s left is a gaping hole, and I cannot fill it. I admit I haven’t really tried to fill it, per se. Regardless, it’s there, and it’s so close to being within my grasp. But you know what, I’m scared.

I’m scared because of all of my unanswered questions.

I’m scared that maybe this place isn’t as safe as it claims to be.

I’m scared that things have changed too much and I haven’t changed enough, or at least maybe I have changed in the wrong ways.

I’m scared that, while I may be interested in making this a part of my life again, it is only me who is interested, no one else. Looking at the way things have gone thus far suggests that this conjecture is true.

Don’t you hate it when life goes on without you? It does that. It takes you for what you’re worth and then goes on, with or without you. Far too many times in my life I have experienced life go on, often the “without you” part of it. Few people are lucky enough to have the privilege of having life go on and take them with it. And I am beginning to resent those people. I resent resentment.

Are there any answers out there? Because the only answer I have come up with is the fact that human beings suck. I’d rather be friends with a cat.

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Untitled VIII

The transformation begins:
Slowly at first,
Painful and new,
Previously unexplored territory
Waiting for things to settle in,
Become familiar
But they don’t
It is an unending process
One which unravels the soul
Leaving vulnerabilities
Out in the open for any to see

———————————–

See me for who I am
Love me for who I’m not
Make me into something new
Someone I can never become

Show me how I am wrong
Tell me to change it all
Give me a life to live
So I can choose not to live at all

Untitled VII

Colour fades to grey
Memories of yesterday
Putting everything away
Never knowing what to say

Floating down a rushing stream
Driven by a faded dream
Consuming everything we knew
Becoming something far from true

You are slipping away
Haunting my memories
Becoming unfamiliar
Like an unknown summer breeze

I breathe you in
Nothing remains though,
Except pain and this gaping hole
I cannot fill

Fill me with your sweet words and make me new again

Philosophical Ponderings I

I used to think that you had to know everything about something before you undertook it. That you had to know where you were going to end up before you started down any path. That lack of direction meant that you had no direction at all. That indecision was a decision in and of itself and that in it you were only choosing incorrectly. That everything was black and white and there was no in between.

I was wrong.

I have learned that it is better to be tossed about by the wind and the waves than to simply float along, that it is better to allow yourself to experience something unfamiliar than to sit back and let it wash over you as if it never happened.

Because life is meant for experiencing. To fully experience something is to allow that experience to take a part of you away and shape it into something new before giving it back. When we consciously make this choice, the choice to allow something new and unfamiliar into our lives, to not be afraid, then our lives are truly shaped. We become more than we used to be. We exist. Through every facet of our journey we become who we are, moulded by each moment and each memory. Without this we are nothing. Choosing the comfort of safety and familiarity makes our lives mundane; we don’t allow ourselves to grow, we stifle ourselves.

Life can be what you make of it, but it is also what you allow it to make of you.

Untitled VI

when the world has almost reached a close
you are frightened and alone
the past haunting your mind
guiding your steps
allowing true self to fade away
becoming mist among the graves
of long-lost accomplishments and ambition
that have passed on and are no longer held in high regard
everything you choose is self-infliction
breathing life into pain and despair

through it all you hold the power to turn it all around
yet you cry yourself into a troubled sleep
with the realization that waking up
will force you to approach an unknown reality

resignedly choosing to remain in the dark
will allow sad familiarity to become a compass
instead of trying to break out of your bonds
and through painful restoration emerge to a new life